I have recently learned that it sometimes takes tough exploration of your past in order to make measurable strides to find the truly happy, future you. I have held onto particular events of my past like they were life lines; like they were all sewn together to create a veil that shrouded my true potential. Sure, I have had successes in my life and am very proud of where I am today; however, I have had a feeling in my soul for way too long that I have been unworthy of this success and the happiness that I have been so blessed with in my life. It all started in fifth grade.
I was an ugly pre-teen. The boys at school made sure I knew that about myself, barking as I went by. I was awkward. The girls overtly laughed at me for wanting so badly to fit in. Inviting me into their ‘group’ only to humiliate me by exclaiming that their invitation was merely a joke and that they would never allow the likes of me into their group of fifth grade, big boobed beauties. I still to this day remember every one of their names. When I have seen their names on Facebook or bumped into them over the years I still get cold sweats. I wonder if they remember me and have any idea how their seemingly harmless actions created deep cracks in what I believed to be a normal, beautiful persona.
Beginning last spring, I was able to get off the non-stop, whirlwind ride that has been my life for so many years. Through reiki, yoga, and meditation, I have been able to carefully peel back the layers that life has deposited and found the ‘me’ that I didn’t even know was lost. Through stillness, I was able to find the strength to let go of the life lines that I have clung so closely to since fifth grade, to cut into pieces the veil I wore. I watched them float away on the winds of change.
I recently read an intriguing book called the Dark Side of the Light Chasers by Deborah Ford. In this book, Deborah spoke about our personalities being likened to a castle with many rooms. At a very young age, we try out our personality traits on others, acting the way we naturally feel we should. In this process, we reveal the rooms in our castle – different traits being represented by different rooms. When we are perceived negatively because of a certain trait or action, we tend to close the door on that room in our castle, perhaps never to revisit it again. There may come a time in our lives that we have more closed rooms in our castle than open ones and this may cause us to lose sight of who we really are.
As I began my healing journey last spring, I realized that there were many rooms in my castle that had been long since forgotten. I continue to make my way through the hallways and darkened rooms in my castle of life carrying with me my new found inner light to shine in each room; I embrace every cobweb and creepy crawler that is exposed. There is no telling what will turn up as I meander through this process, but I am encouraged by the parts of me that have been found thus far and have been reunited with other parts. Through continued meditation, yoga practice and self-reflection, I continue to embrace a state of excited anticipation for the changes that are on the horizon!
What parts of yourself have you hidden away? What lessons have you learned through meditation or self-reflection? Have you revisited any long lost rooms in your castle?